Guilt and forgiveness
by Brinchen86
Summary: Making mistakes is easy. Forgiving is more difficult, but it’s not impossible. – DL
1. Be honest

**Summary: Making mistakes is easy. Forgiving is more difficult, but it's not impossible. – DL**

**Author's note: This is my first post 4.16 story. I know, there are a lot of them and I'm sorry I didn't read most of them yet. This is what I'd like to see in season 5. I hope you enjoy it. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anyone or anything.**

**Pairings: DL**

**Categories: Romance/Hurt/Comfort**

**Rating: T**

"I'll be right back. Just a minute," Jack said, smiling at Danny before he left the room. Danny only nodded, sighing lightly when the door closed behind the older man. Now he was alone in this room. Nervously he let his eyes wander through it, taking in all the little details he had missed the first times he had been at this place.

If he was honest, he had expected the practice of a therapist to look different. There wasn't this typical red couch where he'd have to lie down and talk about his complicated past while the therapist, an old man with glasses, would sit next to him, making notes and asking him about his family.

No, Jack's practice was different and Danny was grateful for that. Coming here hadn't been easy for him. He had been told to go into therapy more than once over the years. Like after Louie had been beaten up and fallen into coma, with leaving everyone unsure if he'd ever wake up again. Or after Aiden had been killed; Aiden, one of his really close friends. Because she had wanted to do nothing else than arresting DJ Pratt, for everything he had done to his victims. The price for that had been high.

All this and many, many things before had made him feel worse and worse with the years. But he had done what he always did; had pushed it away. Far away. Danny was the master of suppressing feelings and memories. But obviously this hadn't been a good idea. Because this time it hadn't worked. And had made him do one of his biggest mistakes.

Going to a therapist hadn't been Danny's idea. This time it also hadn't been Mac who had told him to go. Or Flack. It had been Lindsay's wish. Of course she had said it was his decision. She wouldn't force him. But he had no chance anyway if he wanted her back, if he wanted her to give him a second chance. A chance to show he was different, he wasn't this kind of a guy. A guy who cheated on his girlfriend. He needed this second chance and he was ready to do a lot for it. He'd do everything for it.

Closing his eyes, Danny remembered how they had talked; one of the hardest conversations he had ever had.

_"Lindsay, please, can I talk to you for a minute?" Danny asked when he entered the locker room, finding her searching in her locker._

_"Actually I'm on my way home now," she answered without looking up._

_"I know but-we need to talk. Now," he said, fighting with the almost overwhelming urge to turn around and run away; something he usually did when situations became complicated. This one was by far one of the most complicated ones. He knew what he had to say would break her already broken heart even more and the thought of that was horrible. But it had to be said._

_"Do you think the locker room is a good place for talking?" she wanted to know, finally turning away from her locker, giving him her full attention._

_"I know, it's not the most private place on earth, but I wasn't sure if you wanted me to visit you at home," he replied. "And talking on the phone-I don't know-"_

_"Alright. Then talk. I'm listening." Leaning lightly against her locker with her right shoulder, she looked at him, waiting for him to start._

_Danny took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down__, knowing it wouldn't work. It was his own fault he was standing here now, having to do this talk._

_"During the last weeks and months, there's a lot I did wrong. I-don't really know what's going on with me. You know, after Ruben's death, I couldn't stop blaming myself. I couldn't stop thinking it was my fault. I was in charge of the boy and he was shot. I didn't even know it until I saw him in the morgue. Everyone could have told me it __wasn't my fault, but it wouldn't have changed anything for me. I-I should have done a lot of things differently in this time. Like pushing you away. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, I'm sorry I shut myself off. It was the worst way to deal with it. In the end it-just leaded me to do another mistake. A huge mistake. Something that I still don't understand." _

_He stopped closing his eyes. It was difficult. Not the fact that had to explain he __had done something wrong but the knowledge what he had done to her with that. But this time he wouldn't be a coward again. He'd be honest. He looked up, his eyes meeting hers, when he continued, "During the last weeks and months I think I was stuck in my own little world. That's no excuse. There is no excuse. But-this made me do things I badly regret now. You remember when you called me for lunch and I told you I didn't have time. This was a lie. Because-I was just at home, and I wasn't even alone. Rikki was there. Because-the night before she-had spent at my place. And we have-you know-"_

_Not able to speak out that in this night he had slept with Rikki, he stopped. But he didn't have to speak it out; her eyes were telling him she understood. Now, after it was out, Danny felt a hot burning feeling in his cheeks. His heart was racing, hurting at the sight of the expression in her eyes. For the last months there had been this sad, tired look. He knew he had caused this feelings. During the last few weeks it had gotten better. And now, now this expression was back, mixed with disappointment. All he wanted to do was saying 'sorry', pulling her into his arms, never letting her go again, preventing her from running away. But he couldn't, because he knew this wouldn't change what he had done to her._

_"I know," she said after a few minutes of silence._

_"What? You-knew it?" Danny asked, totally surprised._

_Lindsay nodded lightly. "Yes. Well, I didn't know it for sure but I had a suspicion. I just-hoped it wasn't true."_

_Surprised by her reaction, Danny needed a bit before he could respond. He didn't really know what he had expected her to do. Yell at him maybe, freak out, tell him to never see her again. Anything. But not that she'd be so calm, not a bit surprised. Had she really expected him __to do something that had even surprised himself?_

_"Lindsay, I-I know this was wrong and I regret it-I regret it so much. I'm so incredibly sorry, but this won't change anything. All I can do is saying that I'm sorry. If I could turn back time I would never make this happen. I don't even know how I could go that far. It's-it's not understandable for me."_

_He looked at her again, waiting for another response, but all she did was staring back at him, her eyes already slightly filled with tears._

_"I think I-should go now," she suddenly broke the silence. Grabbing her bag she turned to leave._

_"Lindsay, please, I-I know there's no excuse for that, but-can't we please-can't I explain-"_

_Lindsay stopped, sighing. "Not now, Danny. I-have to get out of here now. I'll-call you."_

_With that she almost fled out of the locker room, leaving him alone. Danny let himself fall onto the bench next to the __row of lockers. Hiding his face in the palms of his hands, he let his tears stream down his cheeks. He could imagine how painful the realisation of what he had done had been for her. He was endlessly sorry for that. But it was a relieving feeling that the truth was spoken out now._

_Several minutes later, Danny left. He headed straight home, wanting nothing else than going to bed, hiding in front of the world. He was right; he had done loads of mistakes and in the end he had hurt Lindsay with that. The realisation of that hurt so much it was driving him crazy._

_He had gone straight to bed and had slept for a couple of hours when he was woken up by an annoying, loud sound. He needed a bit until he realised that it was his cell ringing. Sighing he reached over to it to __take the phone call._

_"Hello," he said sleepily._

_"Hey, it's me," a familiar voice answered._

_Recognizing the voice, Danny instantly shot up in bed. "Lindsay? Oh-hey."_

_"Hey. You said you wanted to talk?" she asked, coming__ straight to the point._

_"Uh-yes," he answered, surprised by __the sudden call. He took a deep breath, before he continued, "Lindsay-what I told you earlier-I can't tell you often enough how sorry I am. I have no idea how I could be such an idiot. I didn't want to hurt you."_

_"I know you didn't want to," she replied, to Danny's surprise still very calm. This could be good, but could also mean she didn't care anymore. "I know you didn't want to hurt me. You never really want to hurt anyone. Maybe that's the problem."_

_"What do you mean?" he asked, not sure he understood what she wanted to say with that._

_"I mean that you never want to hurt anyone. You can't bear that. You try to rescue everyone, although that's impossible. I think this also explains why you had such a meltdown after Ruben's death. Like you said, everyone could try to tell you it wasn't your fault; you'd blame __yourself anyway. But sometimes bad things happen and you can't do anything against that. His death was an accident. It was not your fault. But you thought that, and are still thinking that and instead of talking about it, you shut yourself off. Maybe this sounds hard, but you're not able to handle feelings like this. Especially not guilt. I know what I'm talking about. You're not the only one with this problem."_

_Danny could only nod in full agreement. He was impressed by how __good she knew him, how right she was. "But this is no excuse for what I-did to you."_

_"No, it's not, that's true. I just wonder what you felt when you decided to-do this."_

_Danny sighed. "I don't know either, to be honest. I have no idea. This sounds totally stupid, but-it just happened. I don't even know how it started or why. I only know that I wanted to make myself feel better. And her. Maybe I also-wanted to give her something back. I wanted this damn pain to end."_

_"Did it work?" Lindsay wanted to know, still in her calm voice._

_"No, it didn't. Not the slightest bit. All it did was hurting you." Danny had to bite his lips and squeeze his eyes shut to fight back the rising tears. Which was impossible he already knew. But although he knew he couldn't prevent his voice from shaking, there was more he had to say. More he wanted to tell her. _

_"Lindsay, I know there is no way I can make this good again. I can't change the past. All I can do is telling you how much I regret what I've done. I can understand when you'll never forgive me. I __won't either."_

_"Yeah, and this is what brought you into this situation in the first place," was the immediate answer. Before he could respond, she explain, "Your guilt and your problem with forgiving yourself is what made you act despite yourself, what turned you into a person I barely recognize. This isn't you anymore. I'm pretty sure you still blame yourself for Ruben's death and now you're also blaming yourself for cheating on me."_

_"But how couldn't I?" he asked back. "How could I not blame myself? I ruined our relationship. I __hurt you. I ruined everything for us."_

_Lindsay paused for a moment befo__re she answered, "No, not yet. Not completely at least."_

_"What do you mean with 'not yet'?"_

_She sighed. "Don't ask me why, but-it's not over for me yet. The time I kept you on distance gave me time to think. About us, about you. I can't deny I'll never forget you cheated on me. It hurts like hell and it will for a long time. But I know how it feels like to be in a painful situation like this. It makes you do mistakes. Huge mistakes. I believe you when you say you regret what you did. And maybe I'll be able to give you a second chance."_

_"You would?" Danny asked disbelieving._

_"Yes. But only if you do something for me."_

_"Of course. Whatever you want."_

_"Good," she said. "Danny, I think you know you have a serious problem. You have to learn to deal with your feelings. To handle difficult situations. I'm not good __at that either, but I found a way. Through therapy. I know, you don't even like the idea of going into therapy. But you have to. You need help. Professional help. Maybe after that, after you learnt how to sort out your problems, to deal with them, we'll have another chance, to start fresh, to try it again. But first you have to do something."_

And this was what Danny did. The next day he instantly made an appointment with Jack Anderson; the therapist Lindsay had gone to as well. The first time had been hard. Jack had just let him talk, had let him get out what was torturing him all the time.

After this first appointment Danny realised that Lindsay had been right; he had a problem, and he needed help. Jack's help. It would be a hard and rocky path. But it'd help him, and it'd help them to give them another try. It was worth it.


	2. Stop hating yourself

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and thanks for adding this story to your favourites and alerts! :)**

"I'm sorry you had to wait," Jack said when he returned. Quickly closing the door, he headed over to the large, thick stair across of his client.

"Oh, it's no problem," Danny answered. He shifted in his seat and crossed his arms in front of his chest; a clear sign that he was nervous. He didn't really know why he was nervous, but he always felt like this when he visited Jack, although he knew this'd change during the talk. But actually it was no surprise the appointments were frightening him; Danny wasn't used to do a soul striptease in front of a person he barely knew. He couldn't even do that in front of people he knew for ages.

"So, how do you feel today, Danny?" Jack asked, leaning back in his chair.

"Not that good," he answered honestly. Jack nodded but remained quiet. Danny knew this behaviour already; his therapist wanted him to continue, to explain why he didn't feel well. At least this time he knew the reason. "I'm exhausted because I'm working one shift after the other so I don't have to be at home. I'm tired because I can't sleep at night. I'm sad because I miss her so much."

Again Jack nodded. "When did you see Lindsay for the last time?" he asked.

"Today, at work," Danny remembered. "We had to work the same case. We haven't done that since-since I talked to her about-you know-"

"And how was it to work together with her again?"

Danny sighed. "I'm not sure. She didn't talk that much to me, just about the case. She also didn't keep me on a distance or something. It was a weird feeling." He paused for a moment before he added, "I wonder what she's thinking when she sees me."

"Any ideas what she might be thinking?" Jack wanted to know, shifting in his seat lightly, all the time paying his full attention to Danny; something he still had to get used to.

"I'm not sure. Maybe about what I did to her," he answered, shrugging lightly. "Maybe she's mad at me. Or even hates me for the last weeks. Or she doesn't care anymore."

Thinking about what might be going on in Lindsay's mind when she was together with him, knowing he had cheated on her instead of coming to her, Danny felt the familiar, piercing pain rising inside him. He felt sick, a lump in his throat. The sad expression in her eyes was always present in his mind, causing his already existent hate against himself to increase.

"What are you thinking about now, Danny?" Jack broke the silence.

"I'm thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if she hated me for the way I made her feel. She tried to be there for me, she gave me space to sort out my feelings and in the end I thanked her with cheating on her." He clenched his hands into fists, trying to fight back his almost overwhelming anger. "I could totally understand her."

"Do you really think she hates you?"

With sadness in his eyes, Danny looked up at his therapist. "Yeah. Why shouldn't she? Why shouldn't she hate me when I hate myself as well? Actually I don't really know what I'm expecting. That she'll give me a second chance? That she'll forgive me? Why?"

"So, you're telling me you hate yourself and wouldn't forgive you? And so she won't forgive you either?" Jack asked, leaning a bit forward. "Why? What makes you think that?"

Danny laughed dryly. "Why? You ask me why I'm thinking that? Because it's true! There's no reason why she should forgive me. Why anyone should forgive me. I make one mistake after the other. Over and over again. Do you even know how much crap I did over the years? I was involved into a shooting in which a cop was killed. I was suspected to have killed a man. I wasn't able to take care of a ten years old boy. He was shot while I had to take care of him. For only a couple of hours! Even this I couldn't manage to do! Rikki lost her son because I couldn't take care of him.

And what did I do next? I slept with her, because I seriously thought this'd make anything better! I didn't think about what this'd do to my girlfriend for a second! And then I needed weeks to tell her about that. What am I supposed to think, huh? I'm not able to take responsible, neither for me nor for others, I'm not able to have a relationship that lasts longer than a few days or weeks, I'm not able to handle my own feelings and with my selfishness I hurt the one I love the most!"

Tears of anger were now running down his cheeks. Danny didn't know if he had ever had such an outburst in front of another person before. He closed his eyes, trying to control his breath to calm himself down enough so he could resist the urge to simply stand up and run away.

Several minutes had passed when he opened his eyes again, looking at Jack, whose eyes were still resting on him. He was waiting. Danny tried to read in his eyes, tried to find out what he was thinking about him now after yelling like this. Replaying what he had just said, he blushed.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I-I shouldn't have freaked out like this." And with a faked smile he added, "If you're thinking I'm insane now, I can understand you."

But Jack only shook his head. "I don't think you're insane, Danny. I'm only wondering where this strong hate against yourself is coming from."

"Oh, that's easy," Danny answered, smiling sadly. "It's what happens when everything you're doing goes wrong. And this sounds like I'm totally self pity."

"No, I wouldn't say that," Jack disagreed. "I think there are other reasons for that."

"And what? Please, don't do this therapist thing and tell me this is all caused by my complicated relationship to my family. I think that's a bit easy."

"Then maybe we should find out where it's coming from," Jack suggested. "Because the fact that you made several mistakes shouldn't be a reason for that. That's part of being a human. Some people make big mistakes while others make smaller ones. But in the end nobody is perfect."

Danny rolled his eyes. "Yeah, great. Nobody is perfect. Great excuse for making mistakes. Please, then go and tell Lindsay about that. And Rikki. Maybe they'll agree with you."

"Danny, I want you to tell me something," Jack replied. "Let's take the two as our example. Do you really think they hate you?"

Danny instantly nodded. "Yes. Or are at least mad at me. What else do you think, huh?"

"Okay. Then tell me, why did Rikki tell you she doesn't blame you for Ruben's death? Why did she tell you it was just an accident? If she was convinced it was your fault, wouldn't she react in another way? Don't you think she would say other things to the person whose fault the murder of her son is?"

"I-don't know," Danny answered, looking at Jack slightly irritated. Until now he had never thought about it that way. For him Ruben's death had always been his fault, despite what Rikki or Flack or the others had tried to tell him. But wasn't Jack right? Wouldn't she act differently if she blamed him? If it was his fault in her eyes?

"And what about Lindsay?" Jack continued. "We can't deny that she's hurt. No surprise. Everyone would be hurt after being cheated in. But if she hated you so much, would she have told you to come here? And that she'd possibly give you a second chance? I'm not trying to tell you what you did to her wasn't your fault. Maybe the reasons why you cheated on her were different from the ones most men usually have when they're doing something like that, but we'll talk about that later. Now I want to know; don't you think she'd never talk to you again if she hated you for what you did to her?"

"Maybe," Danny replied hesitating.

"And why is she willing to give you another chance? Maybe because she sees still the opportunity that one day she'll forgive you? What do you think, Danny?"

"Yeah, maybe you're right," he replied, sighing. "But you make this sound like what I did wasn't that bad. I should have been more careful with Ruben, even if it was an accident. And there's no excuse for hurting Lindsay that much."

"Yes, and I'm not saying that it wasn't your fault. Like I said, we both agree you made mistakes. But what I want you to do is to stop thinking everyone around you only hates you. Hate is a strong word. Of course Lindsay might be mad at you now and maybe will be for a while. And it's understandable that you're mad at yourself as well. But this shouldn't turn into hate. It's important that you learn to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that the mistakes you made aren't existing anymore or weren't that bad. It only means that you learn to live with it. That you stop hating yourself. You can regret your actions. But hating yourself only makes you incapable of thinking rational. And this leads to actions like sleeping with another woman because you feel guilty, which only causes that you feel even worse in the end. It's a downwards spiral and you need to break out of this. The first step to do that is to stop hating you."

"And how am I going to do that?" Danny asked. "I'm doing that since-ever I'd say."

"What do you think how you can stop that?" Jack asked back.

Danny sighed. He hated those questions. It would be easier for him to simply get the answer from his therapist. But this was possibly too easy. He thought about the question for a while.

"Because you were talking about forgiveness all the time, maybe-maybe somehow I should make people forgive me?" he asked.

"What about you start with yourself before you ask others for forgiveness?" Jack wanted to know. "When you managed to forgive yourself, it'll be easier to receive others forgiveness as well."

"That's not going to be easy," Danny sighed.

"No, it's not. But that's what you're here for," Jack answered. He glanced at his watch before he looked back at his client. "I'd say this was enough for today. We should make one step after the other, not everything at the same time."

Danny nodded in agreement. "That's definitely true. Who thought talking could be so exhausting." He stood up, ready to leave. "So next appointment is on Friday, right?"

Jack nodded. "Yes. But before you go-there's something I want you to do for our next meeting."

"What is it?"

"I want you to make a list. Maybe you'll tell me that's childish now. But you'll be surprised how good it works. I want you to make a list with all your good sides, all your good features. You can also ask others if you're unsure. And only good ones, nothing bad."

"And how should that help me?" Danny asked disbelieving.

But Jack only smiled at him. "You'll see. We'll talk about that on Friday."

"Okay. See you then."

With that Danny left the practice. When he stepped onto the street, noticing it was already dark outside, he closed his eyes, taking in the cool air. He was surprised by how much this talk and the realisations it had brought with it, had exhausted him. Sighing lightly, he headed to the near subway station, already thinking about the list he was supposed to make.


	3. Accept yourself

"Are you alright?" Flack asked, looking slightly concerned at the man sitting in the passenger's seat.

"Yeah, sure," Danny answered, trying to fake a smile but failed.

Flack rolled his eyes playfully. "Didn't this Jack tell you to be honest when it comes to your feelings?"

"Yeah, but I'm not in the mood to talk to you about them now," Danny replied.

Flack only chuckled at that. "Alright." He looked at the small, folded paper his friend was holding tightly in his hands. "Did you finish your list?"

Danny nodded in response. Actually Flack had planned on asking more, but he could feel his friend's nervousness and didn't want to make it worse. It was the first time he took Danny to his appointment with his therapist. He had told him this wasn't necessary and it'd be okay if Flack drove home again, but he had decided to stay. It was his way to signal that he was there for his best friend.

A while ago, Danny had confessed what had made him do this huge step. He had also confessed he had cheated on Lindsay. But although Flack was friends with both of them, he hadn't yelled at him. Danny knew what he had done and how wrong his actions had been.

A bit later, the two arrived at the therapist's practice. Like always, Danny could feel his nervousness rising again. What would he and Jack talk about this time? And- what would he find out about himself? He knew which target they had; Danny was supposed to learn to forgive himself, to stop hating himself. Right now he didn't have a clue on how this'd be possible. But obviously Jack had a plan.

While Flack sat down in the waiting room, Danny entered Jack's practice. The man was sitting behind his desk, working on something. When Danny entered the room, he looked up at him and smiled.

"Hello Danny. Sit down already," he said.

Danny nodded and sat down on the couch, all the time holding his list in a tight grip. Nervously he watched Jack until the older man closed the file lying in front of him, stood up and sat down in the chair across of him.

"How are you today?" he asked the already familiar question to open the conversation.

"Better than last time," Danny answered, happy that this time he didn't have to start with a negative statement about his feelings.

"Oh, that's good," Jack replied, smiling at him. "Did something special happen that made you feel better?"

Danny nodded. Jack was right; something had happened that had improved his mood. It had to do with the homework his therapist had given him.

_Making the list about his good feature__s was difficult, like Danny had expected. He had needed an entire hour until he came up with the first point he could add. 'Graduated from police academy top of my class' was this point. This had to be something good, because after that Mac had decided to employ him. But one point? This wasn't really much. But after the very exhausting appointment Danny was tired. Maybe this was the reason for his lack of ideas? He decided to stop it for now and headed to bed._

_But the next day it didn't work either. There wasn't much he could come up__ with. It was driving him crazy. How was he supposed to make an entire list about his good features? And- was there really nothing good about him? Danny remembered that Jack had told him he could also ask someone for help. But before he'd do that, he wanted to try it on his own._

_So he spent his entire lunch break in his office, trying to think about other points he could add. He was so busy with himself that he didn't notice Lindsay, who entered the office, they were still sharing, as well._

_"What are you doing?" she asked._

_"Oh-uh-nothing special," he answered, blushing lightly. "It's just-something my therapist told me to do."_

_"What is it?" she asked and to Danny's surprise she seemed to be really interested in the answer._

_"Nothing special. It's just a list. About myself. About my-good features. I'm not sure what he wants to do with that though-"_

_"I think it's a good idea," she answered, sitting down at her desk, her obvious interest causing Danny to be even more surprised. "How many points do you already have?"_

_"One," he answered, blushing even more. As grateful as he was for the fact that Lindsay, his Montana, finally talked to him again, about something that didn't have to do with work, he felt a little embarrassed about talking to her about this topic._

_"Only one?" she asked, raising her eyebrows in surprise. "What is it?"_

_"That I graduated from police academy top of my class."_

_"Oh, right. But-until now that's all you came up with?" Lindsay wanted to know._

_Danny nodded, sighing. "I never expected this __to be so hard." And he hadn't also expected that she'd suddenly talk to him like everything was okay between them either._

_"Hm, yeah. Are you allowed to let someone help you?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Okay. If you want, I could help you now. I have some free time," she suggested._

_For a brief moment Danny thought he had understood her wrong. Not only that she acted almost normal again although his confession he had cheated on her wasn't that long ago, now she wanted to help him with the list? Him?_

_"Lindsay, that's really sweet, but-I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I mean, don't misunderstand me. But-how do you want to come up with anything good about me right now?" he asked honestly._

_Lindsay sighed. "Danny, only because I'm disappointed about what you've done doesn't mean I__ don't still remember what I like about you."_

_Hearing this one sentence coming from a person he had possibly hurt more than anyone else before instantly caused tears rising in Danny's eyes. He was still not able to believe that she didn't just freak out or kept him on arm's length. He wasn't sure how he would have reacted in her situation. But being calm and friendly like this; it was really confusing him._

_"Okay," he agreed with her then. "Start."_

_Lindsay thought about her answer for a moment before she began, "There are several points you can add. For example you're very helpful. Whenever someone needs help you're there, no matter if it's a friend or a stranger. You're a good friend as well. One can always count on you. Your friends and your family mean a lot to you, that's another point. You love doing your job and you're great with it. You're friendly and caring. You have a big heart and most of the stuff you do you're doing for others. And you would never __intentionally hurt someone." She paused, looking at him._

_"I just wish __I wouldn't hurt others anyway. Even without actually wanting it," Danny replied quietly._

_"Some things happen. Sometimes you make wrong decisions, you don't think or you just don't know what you're actually doing. And this can lead to hurting others," she answered, again in this calm, rational voice. "Which doesn't mean I forgot anything. Or I'm okay with it."_

_Danny nodded, swallowing hard. This talk was going to get __emotional again. But although he wasn't sure about how much he could control himself he had something else to say._

_"Will you ever be able to forgive me?" he asked. Frightened about her answer he looked her straight into her eyes. Lindsay hesitated for a moment before she answered._

_"Yes," she said. "Yes, I will forgive you. One day. I'm not sure when this'll be. It might take weeks, or months or maybe longer. But I will forgive you."_

_"Like you'll-possibly-" he started but stopped again. It was by far too early to even think about a question like this. But somehow she guessed what he wanted to say._

_"I'll possibly give us a second chance?" she completed. "Yes, like I told you. But it needs time. I need time to see you're really working on your issues. I know it's hard, but Jack will be able to help you. And I need time to be able to trust in you again."_

_"Of course," he answered. They looked at each other for a brief moment before he added, "Thanks for the help."_

_"You're welcome," she said, getting up from her chair again. "I hope you agree with them."_

_"We'll see," Danny replied. He followed her with his eyes while she left, still hardly able to believe what had just happened._

"I still don't get why she helped me with my list," Danny said. "I mean, she's the last one I expected to come up with anything good about me."

"But actually she gave you an explanation for that," Jack reminded him. "She told you she didn't forget your good sides either. That's a very rational and mature answer. She's still hurt, but she didn't forget you're still the person who means so much to her."

"Yeah," Danny agreed, sighing. "I just wish I could think like that, too, instead of-forgetting everything around me when it becomes difficult."

"But we don't want to compare you with others, right?" Jack asked. "We're here to talk about your good sides today. Not about what others are doing better than you. What I'd like to know now is if you agree with the points on your list."

Unfolding the small paper, Danny looked at them, unsure about what to say. "I don't know, to be honest. I never saw myself like that. But when I showed the list to Flack, he agreed with all of them."

"Then the chances they're right are high, aren't they?" Jack wanted to know. "How do you usually see yourself?"

Danny shrugged. "I don't know. I was always told I'm a troublemaker, since I was a kid. I always brought myself into difficult situations and most of my ways to solve my problems either made them worse or caused new ones."

"And this caused you to get mad at yourself?" Jack asked, taking the list from his client. When Danny nodded, he added, "But these points here- they sound really good. Don't you think so?"

"Of course it sounds good," he agreed. "But-I don't know-"

"Don't you agree with them?" Jack wanted to know. "What about this one? You're a good friend and you're there whenever someone needs you. Is that wrong?"

"No, well, I don't think so," Danny answered, feeling rather uncomfortable with talking about himself like this. "Of course I'm there for my friends. That's normal."

"Not for everyone," Jack disagreed. "So you agree. That's good. And what about this one? You're caring. Do you care a lot about other people?"

"Sure. Of course I care about others. Do you want to go on and on with this list now?"

Jack nodded. "Yes. At least with a few points. Until now you agreed with both."

"Yeah, but those were things everyone does."

"Are you sure about that?" Jack asked back. "Maybe it's normal for you, because those features are part of your character. This doesn't mean everyone thinks like that."

Danny only groaned in response. "So you want to tell me I'm such a great person with some many nice features that actually everyone, me included, should love me?"

"To be honest, yes," Jack replied. "Not that everyone should love you. But you are a great person. Why else do you mean so much to your friends? Why else did your friend Flack take you here and is sitting in the waiting room now? And why does Lindsay think about you like that? Because it's not true? What do you think why they're doing that for you?"

Danny needed a moment before he could answer. He was surprised to notice that somehow he agreed with Jack. Why should they waste their time with him if he wasn't worth it?

"Maybe they think they-have to. Maybe they just want to help me or something," he tried to explain.

"So you think what unites you with Flack for example is nothing else than his wish to help you because he feels sorry for you?" Jack wanted to know. "You don't think he sees you as a friend?"

Hearing this question, Danny thoughts instantly drifted back to a day several weeks ago. A day when Flack had proved that he was a friend. And had even said that. Danny had tried to shut him off after taking Rikki to the police station after she had threatened Ollie Barnes. Flack had told him he was his friend and that this was the reason why he cared about him. Not because he felt sorry or responsible.

"You're right," he finally admitted. And with another sigh he added, "Maybe there must be something true about all those points as well. There must be a reason why they want to be my friends, even when I'm acting like an idiot."

"Exactly," Jack agreed, smiling satisfied. "Danny, I can understand this is difficult for you. But with the time you'll learn that I'm right, and your friends are as well."

"And how is this supposed to help me?" Danny asked back.

"I'm sure you'll find that out very soon. By yourself," Jack replied. With that he handed the list back to him. "I want you to do something from now on. I want you to have a look at this list, every day. And I want you to remember that there's a reason why Lindsay and Flack told you about those features. Will you do that?"

Danny nodded. "At least I'll try it."

A bit later he left the practice again. Flack, who was still sitting in the waiting room, stood up when he saw him.

"Hey, how was it?" he asked.

"It was okay, I think," Danny answered, like always after an appointment needing a bit to get a clear mind.

"That's great," Flack replied. "So-I don't know if you have any plans for today, but if you want we could go out somewhere. Maybe into a bar? What do you say?"

"Sounds good," Danny agreed. This time a honest smile lit his face when he and Flack left to head to the car. The more he thought about it the more he realised that possibly Jack was right. Why should Flack want to spend time with him when he was such a bad person? Why should Lindsay confess she loved him and give him the possibility for a second chance? He was still unsure what Jack wanted to reach with making him realise that. But deep inside he felt that he was doing this for a reason and so he decided to wait and see. And he'd try to finally learn to accept himself.


	4. Learn to believe

Danny was standing at the same place for minutes now. He was unsure if his decision to come to Ruben's grave had been right. But according to Jack it had been right; his therapist had told him to listen to his instincts and his instincts had told him to come here. So it had to be right.

"Hey Ruben," he finally managed to say, pushing away the awkward feeling rising inside him. "Maybe you wonder what I'm doing here, maybe you also wonder why I didn't come here earlier. I just couldn't. But-I think there's something I have to say. I-I can't tell you how sorry I am for what happened to you. This was not supposed to happen. You were an innocent boy, you haven't done anything wrong.

And it was my job to take care of you on this morning. But I didn't. Not correctly. I shouldn't have told you to go straight home. I shouldn't have done that, I should have told you to stay or at least I should have checked if you were alright. But I didn't. And this was wrong. And-and now I'm here to say sorry. Because this was not supposed to happen. I'm so sorry. I wish you knew that."

Feeling the tears he had tried to hold back all the time, running down his cheeks now, Danny had to stop. There was so much he wanted to say. In person. But this wasn't possible anymore.

"I'm sure he knows that," a voice suddenly spoke to him. Danny instantly turned around, quickly trying to wipe his eyes dry, staring at the woman who he hadn't even noticed approaching.

"Oh, Rikki, I-I'm sorry, I think I should just-" he stammered, already turning around to leave, but she shook her head.

"No, don't go. It's okay," she said. "I think it's nice you came here to visit him."

Danny nodded, smiling at her sadly. "There were a few things I wanted him to know." He paused for a moment before he asked, "How are you?"

"It's getting better," she answered, smiling lightly, but with the pain still present in her eyes. "It's hard though. What about you?"

"I'm alright," Danny answered, trying to avoid looking at her, trying to not think about the last months and the memories they brought with them.

"I heard you're going to a therapist," Rikki suddenly said, causing him to look at her in surprise.

"Yeah, but-how do you know?" he asked.

"Lindsay told me," was the answer. Danny's first surprise changed into shock.

"What? You-talked to her?"

Rikki nodded. "Yes, a few days ago." With a slight smile she continued, "She's a good detective. She found my address and my phone number out and called me. She told me you're visiting a therapist, because you need help. I agree with her that's it's a good idea." When she saw the frightened expression in his eyes, she added, "It was a nice talk, Danny. She told me how sorry she is about what happened to Ruben and she wanted to know how I'm feeling. She's a wonderful person."

"Yes, she is," Danny agreed quietly, feeling new tears rising in his eyes. "She's too wonderful. Although I hurt her so much she's still there to help me. She's even talking about giving me a second chance. I can't understand that."

"Why not?" Rikki wanted to know. "She's a very smart person. She knows you're not a bad guys."

Sighing deeply, he shook his head. "Don't say that. Everyone is telling me that. That I'm not a bad guy, that I don't want to hurt anyone. But why am I doing it anyway? Don't tell me you think what happened wasn't my fault."

"Why shouldn't I tell you that when it's what I'm thinking?" Rikki asked back. "Danny, do you remember what I told you? I told you that one day you'll wake up and realise that what happened was an accident. I'm not saying that to please you or because I like you. I'm saying that because that's what I'm thinking. Maybe you could have done some things differently, but the fact that Ruben was shot was not your fault."

"Then why did you blame Ollie Barnes? He also didn't shoot him."

At the mention of Ollie Barnes, Rikki blushed lightly. "I know. And it wasn't right to threaten him. Like stealing your gun. Both were mistakes I shouldn't have done. But I did them, because I didn't think straight. It's no excuse, but it happened. You see, we both made mistakes."

Danny didn't respond first. He didn't want to discuss about this with her again, knowing how much the memories of what had happened must be still hurting her. But he could understand what she was trying to tell him; pretty much the same Jack, Lindsay and Flack tried to tell him as well.

"Maybe it was not my fault that he was shot," he said then. "But I shouldn't have told him to go away, without checking if he was alright or if he arrived at home safely."

"Maybe," Rikki replied. "But you had to make a decision. Maybe you could have decided in another way, but you didn't. You didn't have time for that. In your eyes this was the best and safest decision. You should accept it like this. I'm not blaming you and you shouldn't do it either. You have to move on. You have to leave that behind. You have to forgive yourself."

Danny chuckled lightly. "You sound like my therapist," he said.

"Then he's a wise man," she answered.

Danny sighed deeply. "I just wish it would work. I wish I could get over it, could stop blaming myself whenever I think about him."

"You know I don't blame you," Rikki said after a brief moment of silence. "But-would it help you if I told you I forgive you? Maybe it'd work better than telling you it wasn't your fault when you don't see it like this anyway."

Danny shrugged lightly. "Maybe."

Rikki nodded. "Okay. I forgive you, Danny. I forgive you from the bottom of my heart."

"Are you sure about that?" Danny asked, still slightly disbelieving.

Again she nodded. "I do. Now it's your turn to forgive yourself."

"Yeah. But before I can do that, I should ask another person for forgiveness as well."

Rikki smiled lightly. "Yes, that's a good idea. And I'm pretty sure she'll forgive you as well. You mean a lot to her."

"How do you want to know that?"

"Because she told me," she answered, her smile widening lightly. "May I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you love Lindsay?"

Danny nodded determined. "I love her. More than anyone else."

"And did you ever tell her?"

"Not yet. I don't think that would have fitted at the moment."

"Then it's about time," Rikki said. "It's about time she finally knows that you're feeling the same."

"I promise I'll do that," Danny answered. He hesitated for a moment before he said, "I think I-should go now."

"Yes," Rikki agreed. He turned already to go, but there was something else she wanted to say. "Can you do me a favour, Danny?"

"What is it?" he wanted to know.

"Promise you'll try to move on, to leave this behind you, okay? I forgave you."

"I'll try my best."

With that Danny left. And to his surprise he felt really different now. The talk with her and the fact that she had forgiven him had helped him a lot. For the first time in months he felt a little relieved now. Now he had to ask Lindsay to forgive him as well. He'd show her he had changed and would never hurt her again. Because he loved her. It was about time to finally show her that. And then he'd maybe able to move on, to leave his past behind and to forgive himself.

**A/N: The next chapter will be the last chapter of this story.**


	5. Give a second chance

**A/N: This is the last chapter of this story. Thank you so much to everyone who read and who reviewed this chapter and thanks for adding it to your favourites and alerts. It was a nice experience to write a story like this. I'm sorry it's so short. But I'm already thinking about a sequel. Of course if you want one. ;)**

Standing in front of Lindsay's apartment building, Danny felt nervousness rising inside him again. Talking to Jack for weeks now, he had learnt that opening up wasn't that bad and difficult. But it wasn't easy either. Jack wasn't the person he had hurt, the person he loved; he was just his therapist and he paid him for listening. But with Lindsay it was different.

Once again he fought with himself, wondering if it wasn't better to just go. During the last weeks the situation between them had slowly become better, but this didn't mean she was ready to have a serious talk to him yet or to even forgive him. But what did Jack tell him all the time? Be strong, listen to your instinct. And although he was afraid, Danny knew that talking to Lindsay was the only right thing to do.

Taking a deep breath, he finally reached out and rang her door bell. A brief moment later, he heard her voice in the speaker, a little tired obviously- no surprise, at 8pm she had surely just come home from work.

"Hello, who's there?" she asked, slightly annoyed.

"It's me. Danny," he answered, again feeling the urge to turn around and leave. "Of course I can also-come back another time. I just wanted-I mean-"

"No, it's okay. Come up."

With that she pressed the intercom button and he entered the building. As quickly as possible he headed up to her apartment. He had been at this place so many times before, but always for other reasons. This time he was praying she wouldn't throw him out, wouldn't tell him she didn't still believe him.

When he reached her door, he could already see from the stairs that her door was opened and she was leaning in the door way. For a brief moment he needed his willpower to not storm over to her, to grab her, kiss her, hold her. There was so much he wanted to tell her. Needed to tell her. And he prayed she'd listen.

"Hey," he greeted her, trying to smile to hide his almost overwhelming nervousness. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing. I know, it's late-"

"Like I said, it's okay," she answered, stepping aside. "Come in."

Danny only nodded and entered her apartment. Feeling rather insecure, he went into the living room, not sure what to do or how to start.

"Do you want something? Maybe something to drink?" she asked. When he shook his head, she nodded and gestured over to the couch. "Let's sit down."

Sitting down on the couch, being only inches away from his former lover, Danny felt the strange tension inside him increase even more. The fear to do or say something wrong was almost overwhelming him.

"So. What are you doing here?" Lindsay asked after a few moments of silence. "What can I do for you?"

"I-I think I need to talk to you," he answered.

Lindsay nodded. "Okay, I expected that. About what?"

Seeing the expression in her eyes, Danny noticed that this situation wasn't easy for her either. She was afraid, just like him. No surprise; the last time he had wanted to talk to her he had confessed something that had hurt her so much. It was hard for him to continue, but he had to do it. Now.

"I know I've told you that so many times now," he started again. "But I can't tell you often enough how sorry I am. I know there is no excuse for the way I treated you and I'm still shocked about that. I don't understand how I could change so much, how I could act like that. I was incredibly selfish, only thinking about myself all the time. I wanted to feel good again. I wanted to get over my guilt, wanted that Rikki forgives me. And I made some of the hugest mistakes I ever made. Like pushing you away. And cheating on you. Instead of making me feel better it hurt you; the most important person in my life. And all I can do is sitting here, telling you how sorry I am." He paused before he added, "And ask you to forgive me. If that's ever really possible."

"I told you it is," Lindsay answered, looking at him. Once again Danny was impressed, almost shocked by the calm and relaxed way she spoke. But her eyes were telling him how much she was still hurting. He knew he could go on and on telling her how sorry he was; it wouldn't change anything. But there were some other things he needed her to know.

"I heard you talked to Rikki," he said into the silence, hoping she wouldn't instantly tell him to go when he mentioned her again.

"Yes," she answered. "How do you know that? Did you meet her?"

For a brief moment Danny hesitated. But if he wanted this between them to work, he needed to be honest. Always. "Yes. I-visited Ruben's grave and she came as well. I-I talked to her for a bit."

"What did the two of you talk about?" she wanted to know and he saw how she forced herself to listen. Luckily this time he didn't have any bad news for her.

"Actually about not much. But she told me she forgave me," he said.

"That's good," Lindsay replied, a slight bit of relief in her eyes. "But she never blamed you. That's what she told me as well. I hope you finally believe her."

"I think I do," Danny replied. He hesitated, thinking if it was right to go on with what he wanted to say. But what did he have to lose? "She also said you're a wonderful person. I agree with her about that. And she asked me something."

"What did she ask?" Lindsay wanted to know, her voice not making sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"She asked me if I love you," he answered. He noticed how she tensed at his response, saw how she instantly broke the eye contact to him.

"What did you answer?" she managed to say, this time making clear that she was afraid of the answer.

"Yes, more than anyone else," Danny repeated his earlier words. Hearing his answer, Lindsay's eyes widened. She didn't still look at him, but from the side he could see tears rising in her eyes.

"It's true," he said, fighting back his own tears. "I love you. I always did. I was just too stupid to notice it before I made such a huge mistake. I wish I could turn back time, could tell you how much I love you earlier and could handle this whole situation in a different way."

Gently he took her hands in his, loosely enough to give her the opportunity to pull back, but she didn't.

"Lindsay," he started again. "I can't change anything I did. I can only swear I wouldn't do it again. I'm grateful you sent me to Jack, because he's helping me to work on my issues. He's showing me ways to act in difficult situations. And I know next time I wouldn't push you away again. I wouldn't hurt you. Because I love you too much. I can understand when you're still not ready to forgive me or to give us another chance. All I want is that you believe me."

Danny looked her straight into her eyes, trying to find out what she was thinking. But he didn't need to interpret; she answered for him.

"I believe you," Lindsay said and for the first time since weeks and months a true little smile lit her face. "During the last time I had a lot of time to think. I'm still not able to forget that you cheated on me and it still hurts. But I'm also seeing how much you're trying to change, how much you're working on your problems. It shows you're willing to feel better and to prove you mean what you're saying." She paused, closing her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before she could continue. "You know I still love you. And I think I always will. Right now all I want is to forgive you, to give us another try. Because I miss you."

"I miss you, too," Danny replied quietly.

Lindsay nodded. "Yes, I know. But I think it doesn't make sense to continue our relationship."

Feeling a sharp pain deep inside his heart, Danny had to turn away from her. He knew it was her good right to say that but the realisation hurt him like crazy. He missed her so much and hearing what she was saying was like a blow into the face.

"I understand," he said, swallowing hard.

"No, I don't think so," Lindsay contradicted. When he looked at her again, now confused, she smiled lightly and explained, "I can pretty much imagine what you're thinking now. It makes no sense to continue this relationship, because it'd always remind us of the mistakes, of what has gone wrong. I think the best is we break up and end it completely."

"And what am I not understanding?" Danny asked, fighting hard against the shaking in his voice.

"Let me finish," she answered. "I want us to break up so we can start fresh again. We should start a completely new relationship, so we can leave the past behind. What happened are bad memories, but they won't have anything to do with us and our relationship."

Hearing her explanation, Danny needed a bit to wonder if he understood her right. "You-you mean you want to-start a new relationship with me?" he asked disbelieving.

Lindsay nodded. "Yes. What do you say?"

"What do you think?" he asked back, for the first time smiling as well. "So we-have to break up now, right? Officially."

Again she nodded. "Yes. So-I'd say that's it. Our relationship is over. We're both single persons again."

"Yeah," Danny agreed and although he knew this was needed to do, it hurt him. "But when will we-start again? When will we give us another try?"

"I think we waited long enough, didn't we?" Lindsay asked back. She looked him into the eyes again, this time without being hurt. "There was something you told me earlier, you remember? Can you repeat that again?"

Smiling Danny instantly understood what she was talking about. He took a deep breath.

"I love you, Lindsay," he said.

"I love you, too, Danny," she answered.

"Does that mean that-"

"Yes," she replied, tears in her eyes but a smile on her lips. "We're together again. And this time we'll do it right. We have to promise each other that we'll talk more, that we'll always be there for each other. No matter what happens. And no one of us will ever lie again."

"I promise. I swear if you want," Danny answered, feeling the first tears running down his cheeks at this moment. There was something else he wanted to do but was unsure if he should. But again Lindsay read his mind.

"Come on, what are you waiting for? Kiss me finally," she said.

And this was what Danny did. He couldn't remember when he had kissed Lindsay for the last time. But the sensation of it was even more overwhelming than he had ever imagined. The last time had been hard, for all of them. Danny was aware of the fact that almost all of his problems had been his own fault. The top of this had been hurting his beloved Lindsay.

But during the last weeks he had changed. He had realised a lot, for example that there was no need to hate himself. He was worth to be loved, even when he made mistakes. He could regret them but never hate himself for that. He had learnt to handle difficult situation differently and was aware of the fact that he had to talk instead of shutting himself off. He had to trust. And he had learnt to forgive himself. He knew he had done a lot of things wrong lately, and cheating on his girlfriend had been one of the worst. But he also knew that he was able to react differently the next time. Danny had realised how much he loved Lindsay and that he could completely trust in her. And had to trust in her if he wanted their relationship to work.

When he had started his therapy he hadn't been sure if she'd ever forgive him. If he'd ever forgive himself. But he had learnt that guilt and forgiveness were close to each other. He'd still need Jack's help. But he was on his way to finally find solutions for his problems and to accept himself as the person he was, with his mistakes and with his good features.


End file.
